Thursday, December 27, 2012

Our Adoption Video...only seventeen months later :)

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of 'before' and 'after.'

Especially when dealing with bad news.

I will never forget the few moments before I got the call about my Dad suffering his stroke. I was happily packing up my stuff and getting ready to walk out the door to go to work. DH was walking up the street returning from a run.

The phone rang and it was my sister. We often talked on our respective drives into work so I hastily grabbed it and said--without saying hello--"I'm not in the car yet I'll call you right back."

No, she managed to say before I hung up.

Dad had a stroke.

And then--after.

That was the dividing line between his life and our life before and after. Nothing was the same after and it was never, ever better, only worse, slowly, slowly worse. And now he is gone.

I think about those dividing lines so often that I create them in my imagination. Example: the other day I had just finished speaking with my sister on the phone and it was only about an hour later and she was calling again. I was just stepping into the shower so I didn't answer. But the entire shower I wondered if she was calling over and over and I couldn't hear and what it if was another one of those calls diving time into before and after?

(note: she just wanted to ask me about something related to Target. Whew.)

Most of the time the big traumas of our lives are sudden and there is a before and after.

But not with infertility (in most cases).

Infertility chips away at you slowly, until you are just a pile of wood chips.
And by you, I mean me.

Somehow I found myself flying halfway across the country, twice, spending obscene amounts of money. Somehow I found myself going through five full in vitro cycles when I swore I would never even do one. Somehow I found myself lying in a dark room full of needles in my ears and scalp and stomach and toes. Somehow I found myself choking down disgusting herbs. Somehow I found myself obsessively researching and reading and researching and reading and emailing doctors and wanting to try different crazy protocols and injecting and injecting and injecting hormones hormones hormones into my sad, tired belly.

Somehow.

Because I could not see the forest for the trees.

Oh the forest--becoming a mother!--she was gone to me. All I could see were those damned trees.

I speak for myself only here, but there is a lot of shame in all that I did.

I wanted to be a mother.
There are many ways to become a mother.
None are necessarily easy, and no doubt none are better than any other.
Because all that matters in the end--all that ever, ever, ever should matter--is the love you can give to a child.

My forest, my beautiful forest, you were right there the whole time weren't you?

32 comments:

  1. Precious. Brought me to tears.

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  2. Ditto commenter #1. Precious, tears...at work! Thanks for sharing!

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  3. Sitting here in tears. My heart is so full of joy watching you with your sweet babies. You've always been my unknowing guide through the forest and this video is exactly what I needed to see today. Thank you for sharing your journey with me and pulling me along, even if you didn't know that was the task at hand. :)

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  4. I love this! Thanks for sharing! (I wanted to do a video for my daughter and have that Lumineers song in it. Love that song!)

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  5. Oh Davs! Sitting here crying with love for your beautiful family. So thrilled for you. Looking forward to seeing some Christmas pics of those 2 cuties!
    xoxox
    OCGal (Lynn)

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  6. really, seeing the video sums up what has unfolded over these past few years... you really were destined to be their mom. no doubt. you each had a painful indoctrination into your eventual union, but once you got together, i mean, you just don't ever look back... meant to be.

    you and your husband are such loving parents...

    and, to address your other sentiment, about the before and after... yes, any of us who have ever had "one of those" phone calls or received such bad news, it is never to be the same... always thinking that the next round could be waiting in this phone call... but this is what it is to live... to know the good and the bad, the before and the after, and all the gray area inbetween.

    happy new year!

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  7. Argh, seems I can't comment while on a mobile device. But...beautiful video and post. I love it!

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  8. Mothering is an energy. A state of being. Love is all that matters.

    What an utterly beautiful video and thankyou so much for sharing it.

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  9. What great photos and video! Loved this! Especially love that last photo of you two and the kiddos! Thanks for sharing. And thanks for being so supportive of me! All the best for 2013!

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  10. I am a puddle! Thanks soooo much MTL for sharing this video...it is truly inspirational!

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  11. Gorgeous video!!! It brought tears to my eyes too. What a beautiful family. Thanks for sharing. Heather

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  12. Oh, I LOVE this video!!! It is amazing and lovely and your children are so beautiful. And I TOTALLY get the infertility thing kind of sucking you under before you realize what happened. I'm glad it's behind me, too.
    Happy New Year!

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  13. What a beautiful, amazing forest! I believe you just had a rain shower over your forest from all my tears of joy! ;-)

    Love the photos at the end!!!

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  14. Thank you so much for sharing your adoption video! It brought a much needed smile to my face. I'm so glad that after everything, you were able to find your forest. Your family is a beautiful one and is an constant reminder to me to have hope.

    I wanted to address you feeling ashamed for all your time in treatment. I hope there comes a day where you no longer feel that way. Because I view your treatments as being successful. Without going through that process, you would not be the person you are today. And you may have chosen a slightly different path. In a way, you going through all you did brought you to your children. And seeing them and you and your husband with them is awesome. You and your husband are amazing parents. Just as you said, no path is any better or easier, but it is yours. Hence, no shame.

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  15. The video brought me to tears, and mesmerized my daughter. Having her laying on my chest watching it with me made it even more poignant. Thanks for sharing your journey, I hope it was a great Christmas for you all!

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  16. Yay, A! This is such a great video! A, B, and I watched it together. How friggin' precious those two kiddies are. And your post - well that totally hit home. The things we do for our ideas of how our lives should go....

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  17. Really lovely. Happy holidays! Tracy

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  18. I can't tell you how much I loved watching (and listening to that perfect, perfect music) the video of your family coming together. Made me swell with feelings! You all are lovely.

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  19. Love the video! I'm sure the kiddos will love it too one day!

    I think I've mentioned this before, but I always think about the song that goes something like "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you..." when I think about where we are in our journey to a family. I don't know why we go through what we do, but without infertility and all you threw at it, you very well may not have these two adorable babies. We all have our different "A-ha" moments that lead us to our next steps, and we all do things, i.e. multiple IVFs, that we said we would never do. Just glad you made it safely to the other side :)

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  20. Just beautiful! So very happy for all 4 of you!

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  21. I would love to say something profound but I'm crying too damned much.

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  22. beautiful video!!! beautiful family! beautiful forest!

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  23. I am sorry to read that you feel ashamed of your five IVF attempts. As we all know, infertility is a PROCESS... of coming to terms with the limitations of our bodies, of getting used to the idea that our families are not going to be built the way that we thought or wanted, of embracing treatment methods that we had previously never considered. So many "fertiles" expect us to arrive at the end point immediately following a diagnosis (at least that was my experience), without acknowledging all of the unexpected emotions and the unfulfilled dreams that we have to process in order to get there. In most cases, there is no "just adopt" (as you know well)... it takes time for couples to decide it is the best option for them. If we can't be accepting of that process in ourselves, how can we expect fertiles to be understanding of that process in us?

    Obviously, if you hadn't undergone those five IVF cycles, you would not have those two precious babies in the video. Granted, you would probably have other children, but can you imagine your life without those two? You needed to go through that process in order to find your destiny as THEIR mama.

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  24. Beautiful. You can see the love for your babies in your eyes.

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  25. incredibly beautiful!! thank you for sharing.

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  26. I found your blog through Patience's blog and I can't tell how seeing this has helped me...I am struggling...and I really needed a life line and this just put my journey back into perspective. Thank you!!

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  27. As others have said, thanks for sharing. It is beautiful. I loved the way your children responded to your love and blossomed.

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  29. Oh my, that makes me cry each time i watch it. The love and tenderness. Bless you <3

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